Feeling Torn
An image of a piece of paper being torn in two
First of all let me apologise. This may be a long post, may be a short post but it will most certainly be rambling. This is more to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper (well digital paper) and putting them out there so people can advise if they so wish. So this will be very different to some posts I’ve made before.
Right now I am due to apply for funding to go to Lincoln Bishops University to study Military History. However I am getting slightly cold feet. Not because of the course or uni, both are brilliant! But because I’m not sure if the path that leads to is viable for me long term. In an ideal world, I would go onto do Postgraduate study afterwards and get a job lecturing after doing a PhD. But I know how bad the academic market is, and I know how tough getting a PhD can be, especially as someone whose got health problems. Is this path realistic and viable? I’m not sure right now. It could just be nerves telling me to withdraw this application though.
Another option I’ve thought of is finishing my Computer Science degree. I have ⅔ of it (actually just over that amount as I have 20 credits from the final year as well). It would be viable for me to go back to Lincoln College and finish the third year, I nearly did so this academic year but got diagnosed with a new illness in June 2025 and didn’t know if it was viable to return while getting to grips with a new illness. This is a potential option. But I am a much better fit academically for History than I am Computer Science. I was an alright student of Computer Science when I was well, but programming was not my forte. While I could program, I was not great at it which is not the best as a Computer Science student. On the flip side I would only need to return for the year, and would be more employable with a degree in a good field like Computer Science.
Then there’s my businesses. I own two businesses, both That’s So Fandom and Peter Aisthorpe Designs. Though I am getting some leads on both, neither is sustaining me financially and I am relying on Universal Credit to top up my earnings, which is not ideal. Would a renewed effort help those businesses, or are they money sinks that won’t succeed? Unfortunately I lack my crystal ball to see the outcome of pouring more money into them. Maybe a year at uni to assess them is what I need, just keep them afloat and then reassess when I finish uni? Who knows?
The final option and most obvious really is just get a job, any job I could do with my health. This is slightly complicated by the fact that my physical and mental health are not great. While I know I don’t owe anyone explanations to my illnesses, I am diagnosed with a number of conditions ranging in severity that limit (though not to zero) the amount of jobs I could feasibly do. This is in some ways is the most appealing option as it offers stability but in other ways feels like settling for something I don’t really WANT to do. But my mum and friend sort of ‘fell’ into jobs they loved that they didn’t envisage when young, so maybe I will to?
The upshot of all this rambling is I have a lot of thinking to do? Do I follow what I’m good at it and enjoy in history? Or do I follow something else I enjoy but find tougher and push myself a bit in Computer Science? Abandon uni all together and focus on my business or just get a damn job any job? Its a difficult decision. I know its not be all and end all and that theres compromise options, such as a part time job alongside business or uni. But I have a lot of thinking to do.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading my rambling, thought its not as long as I thought it would be when I started! I’m sure I’ll update with what I decide once I make a decision. Many thanks!